


If You Could Only Know (I'd Never Let You Go)

by 8ucky8arnes



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Found Family, Gen, Pansexual Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Past Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8ucky8arnes/pseuds/8ucky8arnes
Summary: “Is something wrong?”“There’s a couple here that wanted to talk to you. Mitch and Emily Patterson?”In which the boys confront their past (with Julie's help).
Relationships: Alex & Julia Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex (Julie and The Phantoms) & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 475
Collections: Kelly's Picks





	If You Could Only Know (I'd Never Let You Go)

**Author's Note:**

> The feedback on my first JATP fic was absolutely amazing and definitely helped in getting this fic written. This idea was one that had been nagging at me since watching Unsaid Emily (hence the use of the lyrics for the title) and I couldn't let go of writing backstories for the boys. Knowing the tidbits we were given, I decided to flesh them out a bit more so I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you all think!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Homophobic comments as well as a mention of domestic abuse and child abuse.

_i. –and the words I most regret are the ones I never meant to leave, Unsaid Emily_

Julie laughed as the boys (her boys) wrapped her in a bear hug.

“We killed that set!” Luke exclaimed, smile bright (and beautiful).

“Yeah, we did!” Julie shoved the thought aside as Reggie whooped in agreement, laughing all over again as he nearly bowled over Alex, who shoved him off of him with a look too fond to really be irritated. “I think that was our best performance yet!”

A knock on the door instantly quieted them.

“You decent, sweetheart?”

“Yeah!” She walked over to the door and cracked it open, waving a hand behind her to keep the boys away from the doorway. Julie frowned, though, when she saw her father’s face, her unease chasing away her earlier joy, “Is something wrong?”

“There’s a couple here that wanted to talk to you. Mitch and Emily Patterson?”

“Uh…” Her stomach dropped to the floor and she didn’t look back at the boys even though the wounded sound that escaped Luke made her heart ache. She forced a small smile, knowing from the look in her dad’s eyes that he was worried, “Okay, they’re still here?”

“Yeah, I told them I wanted to check if it was okay with you first. You want me to get them?”

“Julie…”

Luke’s cracking voice broke her resolve and she turned, those dark eyes shone with tears and his hands shook violently. He looked seconds from poofing out of there, “Julie, I…I don’t…I don’t think I can do this again…”

“Julie, everything alright?”

She didn’t break eye contact with Luke, “Yeah, everything is going to be fine.”

“Julie?”

She spun around, “Sorry, yes. Yes, they can come back.”

“I’ll go get them then.”

The door shut and she finally turned back to the boys, back to Luke. “Hey-”

He was running a hand through his hair, pulling savagely at the roots as he paced back and forth, moving through the furniture while Alex and Reggie watched in apt concern, the latter making an aborted motion to stop him but Alex grabbed his arm and shook his head.

Julie caught his wrist, “Luke?”

He was crying openly, tears streaking his cheeks, “Please, Julie-”

She smiled, taking his face in her hands like the night after the Orpheum, thumbs brushing away the moisture. The feeling of being able to actually hold him never failed to send a thrill through her and she was glad to see her touch grounded him as well. “I’ll be right here, alright? You know I would never leave you, right?”

“You kind of have to.” Reggie piped in, “They can’t talk to him otherwise.”

Alex groaned and dropped his head, “ _Dude_ …”

But Luke pulled back with a choked laugh, wiping his face, “Thanks, man.”

Julie smiled at them all, “Go grab your six-string.”

Luke took a shaky breath, the guitar appearing in his hands right as a knock sounded on the door and he stared at the door with a look that was too complicated to put into words. There was so much history there. So much regret. So much pain…

She turned away, swinging open the door.

Mitch and Emily stood, clutching each other just like they had when they’d read “Unsaid Emily” in their living room, but Julie could see a hope in Emily’s eyes when she looked behind Julie, searching for a son she had thought she’d never see again...

She moved to the side, “Come in.”

The couple came in hesitantly and Julie shut the door behind them.

She was surprised to find Emily stepping away from her husband and upon closer examination, there was a fire in those eyes that Julie had seen so many times in Luke. There would be no punches pulled here. Julie suddenly found herself nervous.

“They’re not holograms.”

Julie shook her head, “No. No, he’s not.”

“Then, what…”

“I…I think it’s best if I just show you.” She set up her keyboard and jerked her head once, a nonverbal movement that had never failed Luke in dragging her or Reggie to the mic and she smiled as Alex and Reggie had their instruments ready. She began the opening notes of “Unsaid Emily” and Luke’s expression nearly fractured.

She smiled at him encouragingly.

He took a deep breath, flexing his fingers once before joining in on the guitar.

Julie knew the exact moment they saw him, staring at their son and looking like they wanted nothing more than to hug him. She saw the same urge in Luke, although it was tempered by the knowledge that he knew what would happen if they tried.

Emily made an aborted move to reach out. “My baby…”

Luke’s face, even streaked with tears, transformed as he smiled, “Hey, Mom…Dad…”

Mitch looked at the other two boys then at Julie, “How…?”

Julie somehow managed to push her words out past the lump in her throat, the words coming out somewhat steady all things considered. “When we perform together, everyone can see them. I don’t know how or why but…” she shrugged, blinking back moisture of her own as she met Luke’s eyes, so much like his mother’s…

He turned back to his parents, all the confidence and fire that he always had on stage gone and leaving him looking so achingly sad, and Julie was once again reminded of just how young he’d been when he’d died. Only seventeen. His voice cracked, a sob caught in his throat, “I’m so sorry for everything I said. I didn’t mean-”

Emily shook her head, “I’m the one that pushed you away-”

“No, I just…I was just so…”

“So stubborn.” Mitch let out a wet laugh, “Just like your mother.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have-” he swallowed, “I shouldn’t have just _left_.”

Julie’s heart ached as Luke finally broke down, hoping their newfound strength gained by her presence kept him visible and was relieved for only a second when his guitar vanished and Emily went to embrace him only for her hands to pass through.

The sound the woman made nearly gutted her.

Alex and Reggie rushed over as Luke fell to his knees, arms wrapped around his stomach, their own eyes glistening with tears as they watched their brother fall apart, and Julie looked at Mitch and Emily.

Two parents seeing their child in pain and unable to do anything to help…

She’d seen the same look on her dad’s face every time she avoided even looking at the studio…

Julie stopped playing, kneeling next to him, and Alex and Reggie reluctantly pulled back as she concentrated on what she’d been feeling that night in the studio when she’d thought she was going to lose them: the fear, the desperation, the grief, and the love. The overwhelming _love_ that’d she felt for these three boys. She put her hand on his shoulder.

Luke sucked in a sharp breath as that golden glow surrounded him again.

Julie looked at Emily and Mitch, “Try again.”

Emily reached out first, as if to run her fingers through her son’s hair, letting out a choked sob as he leaned into her touch and sank down effortlessly, Mitch not far behind as they both wrapped their arms around each other in a hug that was twenty-five years overdue.

Julie wasn’t sure how long they all sat on the floor but the sound of a knock on the door broke the spell and she almost pulled back in shock. She cleared her throat, wiping her eyes with her free hand, “Yeah?”

“Is everything okay in there?”

“Everything’s fine, Papi.” She was surprised how calm her voice was, “I promise.”

“Okay.” He sounded unsure but didn’t push any further as his footsteps retreated.

Julie was surprised to feel a warm hand encircle hers and she looked over to find Emily smiling at her, a genuine smile that completely transformed her face, a smile that she had passed to her son. She didn’t know what to say in the face of that look (she never had) and could only blink in confusion.

She squeezed her hand, “Thank you, Julie.”

“But I didn’t do anything-”

“You brought our son _back_ ,” her voice cracked on the last word, “So, thank you.”

“But-”

Luke laughed, “I wouldn’t argue with her, Jules.”

Julie blushed at the nickname but didn’t say anything more as everyone got back to their feet, Emily and Mitch reluctantly pulling back from Luke. She was relieved to see that the heavy sadness that had seemed to envelop the family had mostly lifted, their expressions not so closed off and guarded anymore.

“Julie?”

She turned to Mitch, “Yeah?”

The man looked at her, then at Luke, then to his wife, “When is your next performance?”

“Uh...” Julie shared a look with Luke and the rest of the boys, the former staring at his parents with such a hopeful expression, “As of right now, we’re working on scheduling another for next Friday, but we haven’t had confirmation yet.”

Luke’s mouth parted in surprise, “You actually want to...”

Both Mitch and Emily nodded, the later speaking with some of that earlier sadness back in her voice, yet her smile remained bright, “Yes, of _course,_ we do, sweetheart. Make up for all the times that we never...” she cleared her throat, shaking the lingering thoughts away, “It’s nice to see you so happy. We’re so proud of you.”

Surprising Julie, he stepped out of her touch and embraced his mother, still glowing brightly as he buried his face into her neck. She finally turned away from the scene, heart aching at the moment she would never be able to have, and forced a small smile when Alex and Reggie came on either side of her.

“You okay?” Alex murmured, hand on her shoulder.

She nodded, but her chest tightened and her eyes burned and she sucked in a shuddering breath that told them the opposite. Julie didn’t fight Reggie when he pulled her into a hug and Alex quickly followed suit, the drummer resting his chin on her head as he wrapped his arms around both Julie and Reggie.

Julie pressed her face into Reggie’s shoulder as the tears finally fell, and lifted her head when she felt the familiar callused fingertips squeeze her elbow. Luke looked so guilty and he opened his mouth, no doubt to apologize for making her cry but she shook her head. “No. Don’t you dare apologize, Luke. Not about this.”

He nodded, but that worried furrow between his brows didn’t leave.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She gently disengaged herself from the boys’ hold, wiping at her eyes. “I lost my mom last year... cancer.” Julie smiled at the sympathetic gazes, “It’s okay, really. I’m just glad that you all could have this moment together.”

Emily hugged her anyway. “She would be proud of you, too.”

Julie smiled. “I know.”

_ii. –then maybe time would not erase me._

“Julie?”

Julie, having just stepped off the stage of yet another house party, turned to the girl who had spoken, already preparing to sign something or smile for a picture but that didn’t seem to be the case. She tucked a curl behind her ear, sensing that this would be an entirely different interaction, “Yeah, that’s me?”

The girl fidgeted nervously and the flutter of her fingers struck something in Julie.

She smiled, softening her voice, “What’s your name?”

Blue-grey eyes widened, cheeks flushed, “Lexi.”

“It’s nice to meet you Lexi.” she held out a hand, “Did you have a question for me?”

The girl, not much older than her, stuttered for a moment as she shook the proffered hand. “Yes. Yes, I do, it’s...” she reached into her bag and pulled out an old, worn Polaroid picture, clutching it tightly in her fingers, “I found this in my mom’s stuff the other day and when I asked her about it, she got really sad and wouldn't talk about it but I saw you perform and I was wondering if...” she held out the picture, finally taking a breath, “Here.”

Julie took the photo carefully and flipped it around, her stomach once more dropping to the ground as she saw the smiling face of Alex looking back at her, a little girl with the same smile and golden hair no more than twelve years old sitting at his drums and attempting to play them.

She flipped the picture around, reading the words scrawled in Sharpie in Alex’s hand: _Alex & Sarah, 06/23/94_. Julie returned to the other side, fingers tracing the glossy surface, and could almost hear Alex’s laughter interlaid with a little girl’s happy giggle and the cacophony that came from a child’s inexperienced playing...

Julie couldn’t help but be reminded of every time she and her mother had sat next to each other on the piano bench, how eager she was to learn to play, how her mother would laugh as Julie ran her fingers over every single key.

_“I want to play just like you, Mommy.”_

_“You will, mija. You will.”_

Her vision blurred with tears and the girl immediately began to panic.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Julie shook her head, letting out a startled laugh at the near-identical worried tone being echoed, wiping the tears away, and seeing Lexi’s confusion and concern. “I’m sorry, it’s not really funny, it’s just...you reminded me of someone I know just now.”

She pointed to Alex, “Him?”

Julie hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. With Luke’s parents, there was a previous interaction and she had some kind of idea of how he’d react on seeing his parents again, but this...this was different in so many ways. She hadn’t even known that Alex had had a sister or if he would even want to make contact with his family considering what she’d gleaned of his parents...

But if Lexi was anything like the uncle (so weird to use that word in connection with Alex) she’d never met, then Julie had an idea of just how freaked out she was and the millions of questions that were no doubt bouncing around in her head, itching to be let out...

Julie was saved from answering when Flynn came over.

“Julie, what’s-?”

She showed Flynn the picture, aware of Lexi watching them, and Julie saw everything click in Flynn's head when she looked at the picture, front and back, and the girl staring with blue-grey eyes identical to Alex’s...Julie turned to Flynn, “Can you stay with her a moment?”

At Flynn’s nod, Julie turned and smiled at Lexi, “I’ll be right back.”

And with that, Julie practically ran to the studio, photo clutched in her hand.

All three boys spun to face her as the door slammed open, Luke immediately at her side when he saw her tears, the other two not far behind, and Julie took a moment to just absorb the comfort of their presence. She cleared her throat, pulling out of the group hug, “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

She held out the picture wordlessly, seeing how his hands shook as he took it. His eyes widened as he soon realized what the picture was, fingers turning it over to trace the words on the back, then back to the front before snapping up to hers.

He sputtered, “What...? How...? Who...?”

“This girl came up to me. Said she found this picture in her mom’s things-”

“Sarah? She...” He spoke the name with so much pain, his hands shaking, “She kept this? But I thought my parents...” he swallowed thickly, eyes shining with tears, “I thought they got rid of it after I...”

Julie caught Luke’s clenched jaw and Reggie’s hand squeezing Alex’s shoulder tightly, heart breaking and stomach churning at the thought of how his own family had wanted to...erase him from his little sister’s memory. Of how quickly they’d just...cast him aside after he’d died. She forced a smile, though, as she spoke the next words, “Her daughter’s name is Lexi.”

“Sarah named her after...after me?”

Julie nodded, “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see her or...”

“Yes!” he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the picture, before clearing his throat and attempting to speak in a much calmer tone but... “Of course, I...wait, she wants to see me? But...but what about her...” he ran a hand through his hair, eyes wide with horror as he spun, “What about Sarah, is she...?”

“No!” Julie shook her head, “She’s still alive, Alex. She’s still alive.”

“Is she here?”

“Not that I know of but...” Julie trailed off, quick to keep going when she saw his wounded expression, “Lexi asked about you and the picture and I guess it was just...” she thought of Carlos, of how he’d act if she’d... “too painful to even think about, but she’s never stopped loving you, Alex. I know it.”

“She did!” Reggie piped in, “She’d follow you everywhere if she could.”

Luke smiled, “Remember the dances she used to make up to all our songs?”

Alex laughed at the memory, “ _I_ remember the huge crush she had on you, Luke.”

Julie nearly laughed at the mental image of this little blonde girl jumping around the boys in the studio, twirling and spinning and shrieking with laughter as her big brother joined in. She could hear that laughter turn into giggles whenever she looked at Luke with moony blue eyes...and she smiled, “Flynn’s with her now. I’ll go grab her.”

Julie left before the boys could say anything more, very nearly colliding into Lexi right outside the door of the studio, eyes wide and frightened, Flynn nowhere in sight. She looked on the verge of a panic attack, “Hey, whoa, it’s okay...it’s okay-”

“No, it’s not. Mom found out I came here and your friend is talking to her but...” the words left her mouth a million miles a minute, nearly too fast for Julie to decipher, “she found out I took the picture and now she’s mad at me-”

“Alexandra!”

Julie went rigid at the familiar tone of an angry parent, turning to find said parent moving towards her with Flynn not far behind with an apologetic expression. She felt the girl shaking behind her, and gave her a hand to squeeze, not wincing as bones ground together.

Alex was suddenly there, eyes impossibly wide when they landed on his sister, “Sarah?”

Sarah, not having noticed her brother’s arrival, was entirely focused on her daughter and when she saw her panicked state, immediately stopped her advance, her outward anger tempered, but she stared warily at Julie. “What’s going on here?”

Julie swallowed, throat dry, “She-”

“I’m sorry, Mom! I just wanted to know who was in the picture and I saw-I didn’t mean to-”

Julie turned at the sound of wheezing, her hand still held in an iron grip, the realization that the girl was having a panic attack hit both Julie and Sarah hard, and calming Lexi down instantly took precedence over everything else.

She could see Alex beginning to spiral in her peripheral and was thankful when Luke and Reggie appeared on either side of him, phasing them all back through the doors of the studio, where she could hear the faint murmur of their voices.

Julie squeezed Lexi’s hand as her mother rubbed comforting circles on her back, everyone easing themselves to the ground, and Julie tried something that she’d seen Luke do with Alex, tapping her fingers on the girl’s knee in a constant, steady rhythm in the hopes she’d focus on it, that the beat would ground her like it always did for Alex.

Lexi began to copy Julie’s fingers, matching the beat perfectly.

It took a couple of minutes before she could breathe normally again, body trembling with the aftershocks as she finally released Julie’s hand. Sarah was looking at Julie’s fingers still tapping her daughter’s knee with something that could’ve been recognition before she met Julie’s eyes and this close, the family resemblance was striking: same strong jaw, same wavy blonde hair, same storm-cloud eyes...

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name...”

“Julie. Julie Molina.” She smiled, “And you must be Sarah?”

The woman glanced down at the picture, a sad smile tugging at her mouth, “Yes.”

“Who was he, Mom?”

Julie looked down at the girl between them, but Lexi was looking at her mom, who was staring at the picture with a sadness she knew all too well. She remained silent, allowing the woman time to gather her thoughts.

“His name was Alex. He was my brother.” Her voice cracked on the last word, a finger tracing the curve of his smile, “This is...this is the last picture I took with him before he...” she let out a shaky breath, “he just left. At least that’s what my parents told me. And then he died and they just stopped talking about him altogether. They acted like he’d never existed.”

“She didn’t know.”

Julie looked up to where Alex sat cross-legged next to his sister and her heart broke at the devastation on his face. His hand hovered over her bowed head but he pulled back and Julie felt her throat nearly close up. Just like she’d done with Luke, she met his gaze, her own voice wavering, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. It happened a long time ago.” Sarah’s smile was brittle as she looked back down at the picture, eyes bright with tears, “Our parents were always cold towards him before he left and no matter how many times I asked them about it over the years, they refused to say more on the subject...but when you were born and I told them what I'd chosen for your name...”

“Alexandra.” Lexi spoke finally, “You named me after him?”

“Yes, because I refused to forget him. Because I loved him so much and...” she combed a hand through Lexi’s hair. “You’re so much like him, you know. So happy and kind and God,” she laughed weakly, “he would always worry so much about everything all the time. I hear his laugh in yours and I see his joy in your eyes...your eyes...they’re so much like his…”

Alex was crying again, but he was smiling.

Luke and Reggie each had a hand on his shoulder

“They were furious with me.” Sarah said and Alex winced in sympathy, “They told me that I should’ve just left the past in the past...left _him_ in the past and I...I just lost it, demanding they tell me what my brother had done to just be erased from our lives. What had he done that was so terrible that they avoided any reminder of him?”

Julie held Alex’s gaze when she noticed his fingers fluttering nervously and she knew he was expecting the worst. She wished she could reach out and was glad when the other two boys sat down next to him; Reggie with an arm slung over his shoulder and Luke’s arm wrapped around his waist, their heads pressed into his shoulders.

“Why?” Lexi asked the question they were all dying to hear.

Julie grimaced at the unintended pun.

“They said that he had certain…proclivities that reflected badly on the family. That he would have been a _horrible influence_ on a young mind such as mine, put all these _immoral ideas_ in my head.” She scoffed in disbelief, “In other words, my brother told them he was gay and they decided that that was a good enough reason to never speak of him again.”

Alex visibly flinched at the echo of his parent’s words.

“I wished he would’ve told me before he left.” She just stared at the picture, suddenly looking so much younger, letting out another shaky breath, “I would’ve been on his side. I could’ve helped him with Mom and Dad.”

Alex shook his head vehemently, but no words came out.

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“It’s okay, honey. As I said, it happened a long time ago.” She dried her eyes, turning back to Julie, still fiddling with the picture, “Now is there a reason my daughter came here to talk to you today, Julie?”

“Uh…” She glanced at the boys, jerking her chin to the studio, and was thankful that they needed no more verbal prompting to wait for her inside. “Yeah, she did, but I think it would be easier to just show you.”

Sarah frowned, clearly skeptical.

“Mom, _please_.” Lexi’s voice was still hoarse, but there was a pleading...an insistence that her mother seemed unable (or unwilling) to fight. “I know that this whole thing is going to sound crazy but please, promise me that you’ll stay?”

The woman looked at Julie then to her daughter then nodded.

Julie opened the doors to the studio, smiling at each of the boys in turn.

Luke and Reggie returned her smile without hesitation, but Alex couldn’t tear his eyes off his sister for a long moment, a drumstick spinning so fast between his fingers that Julie feared it’d go flying. Then he caught her gaze and gave her a nervous smile that seemed more a grimace than anything else.

“I haven’t been back here since...” Sarah looked around the room, as if remembering all the time she’d spent there as a child. She stopped and stared at the instruments, drawn to the drum set, and Alex seemed to hold his breath as she tapped on one of the cymbals. “These are his drums. Why do you still have Alex’s drums?”

Julie forced herself not to react to her accusatory tone, “They were here when we moved in.”

She stared long at her, “Do you play the drums?”

Julie shook her head, motioning to the grand piano. “I play piano...and sing.”

“Then why...” she looked at the drum set then to Reggie’s bass and Luke’s electric.

“I’ll explain, just...sit down, okay?”

Julie walked over to the piano and sat down, beginning the opening notes to a slowed-down version of _Stand Tall_. Like before with Luke’s parents, she saw the moment the boys became visible, the blood draining from Sarah’s face as she put a hand to her mouth.

Just like before, both Luke and Reggie gravitated towards Julie, giving the siblings space.

Sarah stood and slowly walked over to her brother, as though she were in a trance, Lexi watching the entire interaction with wide eyes as the woman reached out to touch him and Julie wasn’t the only one who winced when her hand passed through him. “I can’t touch you. I can’t...”

“I know,” Alex’s voice cracked, “I’m sorry.”

Sarah spun to face Julie, “I don’t understand, how is this...”

Julie worried her lip, “When they perform with me, everyone can see them, but they’re still...” she trailed off, not needing to complete her sentence when she saw Sarah and Alex just staring at each other and left her keyboard.

She pressed a palm to the center of his spine, smiling as he began to glow.

Alex needed no further prompting as he stood and pulled Sarah into a hug, shining even brighter as his sister clung to him and sobbed. He swayed back and forth with her, his hands surprisingly steady as he pulled back and cupped her face in his. He brushed the tears away, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Hey.”

Julie knew the sight should’ve been strange considering the last time he’d seen Sarah, she’d been younger than Lexi was now but there was no hesitation in any move he made. She imagined it wouldn’t have mattered how old Sarah had been. She would always be his little sister.

Sarah slid a palm over his cheek, “I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t-”

“No.” Alex shook his head, “There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“But I could’ve stopped you from leaving. Stopped you from...”

_Dying._

“You were just a kid, Sarah.” His smile was sad, eyes bright with tears, “I never wanted you to worry about me. Never wanted Mom and Dad to be mad at you for something that had to do with me. Don’t ever blame yourself for what happened, okay?”

“I wouldn’t have cared...if you’d told me. I wouldn’t have done what Mom and Dad did.”

He nodded, “I know.”

Sarah looked helpless for a moment, like all the words she’d thought of saying just fled her mind, and instead, she motioned for Lexi to come closer. “This is my daughter Lexi. She’s the one who brought me here.”

Alex smiled fondly down at her, “Anyone tell you that you look like your mom?”

Lexi nodded, “ _All_ the time.”

“I don’t know...” Julie grinned, “I think she looks more like Alex. Boys?”

Reggie hummed, “Too pretty to look like Alex.”

Alex shoved at Reggie’s shoulder, the bassist turning to Luke, “Back me up, dude!”

Luke grinned, “I kind of agree with Julie.”

Alex lifted a brow, “You _always_ agree with Julie.”

“Kiss-up,” Reggie muttered, which earned him another shove from Luke.

Sarah laughed, “God, it’s like nothing’s changed.”

Luke came over to her, smiling sweetly, “Does that mean you still have a crush on me?”

Alex dropped his head with a groan and Sarah looked at Luke with the same raised brow her brother had, the expression carrying the same general meaning of _are you actually serious right now?_ “No...for _so_ many reasons, no. But I'm glad to see you haven’t lost your charm.”

Luke turned to Lexi, mouth open-

“I’m a lesbian. Sorry.”

Luke actually flickered in shock and poor Reggie looked so confused but Alex just laughed loudly, head thrown back, and the sound was so happy and so joyous and so contagious that Julie and Lexi couldn’t help but join in, lifting the last of the heaviness in the air.

Alex turned to his bandmates, “God, the looks on your faces!”

Julie smiled, “Like I said, just like Alex.”

Sarah turned to Julie, “Thank you, Julie. For bringing them back to the world.”

Julie shook her head, “Your brother and them...they brought _me_ back.”

Julie watched as Lexi went over to his drums and began to play... _really_ well, Alex’s stunned expression transforming into a huge smile as Luke and Reggie joined in and Alex came over and held out a hand to his sister, “Wanna dance?”

Sarah smiled brightly and took it, “Always.”

Julie watched the scene playing out in front of her and the whole thing felt like she’d stepped back into that Polaroid: golden light emanating from each of the boys as they played, Sarah laughing as Alex spun her around, Reggie jumping around Lexi to the beat of the drums, and Luke smiling at her, jerking his chin-

She didn’t hesitate to join.

_iii. –when things got loud, one of us running out._

Julie came home after school, eager to start rehearsal and was surprised to find Reggie sitting on the couch, chin resting on his drawn-up knees, flicking his wrist absently to change the T.V. channels but her irritation at him messing with electronics in the house _again_ didn’t last more than a split second.

He wasn’t his usual happy, chaotic self, staring blankly at the screen.

She set her bag on the floor, “Reggie?”

He blinked, coming back to himself, forcing a smile as he shut the TV off, “Hey, Julie.”

Julie sat next to him, “You’re not rehearsing with the others?”

“Alex and Luke are getting into it again.”

With the TV switched off, Julie could finally hear the raised voices coming from the studio, and sighed, turning to Reggie. She could see something vulnerable in the way he tugged at the sleeve of his flannel, how he still hadn’t looked at her. It was like he thought he was in trouble with her or...

He flinched as a crash came from the studio.

She glanced out the window and then back at Reggie, stomach churning with the beginnings of an irritation which would surely turn to anger shortly. Julie hated to see the bassist so...muted, so unlike himself and if it had anything to do with the fighting, she would storm over there right now and-

“What happened?”

“Alex kept messing up and Luke said he wasn’t taking it seriously and then Alex said that maybe if he pulled his head out of his…” he was cut off by another noise from the studio, squeezing his eyes shut before it passed, “This happened a lot before we died.”

“Really?” In the months since they’d come into her life, she’d see a few minor scuffles and some bickering before, but she’d hadn’t really seen it as odd considering the band consisted of three teenage boys with drastically different personalities. This argument, though, this fight sounded so much worse. “I thought...”

“That’s because of you, Julie.” He finally looked at her, his smile waning, “You keep Alex calm and you keep Luke aware of others outside of his music. I can’t seem to do anything to stop them from butting heads.”

“They don’t listen to you?”

“No.” Reggie laughed, an odd, hollow sound, “Nobody listens to me.”

“ _I_ listen to you.” She rested a hand on his, “I’m listening right now.”

“Mom and Dad were the same when they got like this.” He slid his fingers through Julie’s and squeezed tight. “Always screaming at each other and throwing things, breaking things, without a care for anyone else besides themselves. Every time I tried to get between them, to tell them to stop, it...” he let out a shaky breath, “It never ended well. So, I stopped trying. It was the same for Luke and Alex…”

Julie’s eyes widened, “Did they ever…?”

“Luke and Alex would never hurt me.”

“But they _are_ hurting you…right now.” Julie’s heart broke for Reggie, and the child who’d only wanted his parents to be happy, “Maybe not physically, but I know how much damage words can do. I’m sorry, Reggie.”

He shrugged, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. It’s…” another bang sounded and she gritted her teeth as Reggie tensed. “Okay, that’s it!” She immediately softened her voice when he cringed from her raised volume, “I’m sorry, Reggie, but they need to _seriously_ cut it out. Stay here.”

Reggie stared with wide eyes, “You don’t have to-”

“Yes, I do.” She smiled, “I’ll be right back alright?”

He nodded.

“You can go snoop around in my room if you want.” She tried for a light tone, hoping she could distract him, “I have a couple of melodies on my desk that I think could be worked into "Home is Where My Horse Is”, if you’re interested?”

“Really?” Reggie perked up, “But Luke hates country!”

“He’s not the front-runner here, okay? I am and I say that you can.”

He poofed into her room and Julie immediately stood and stormed out to the studio, pausing just before she went to throw the doors open, not wanting to contribute to any more of the noise. She took a deep breath and slowly opened the door, their yells becoming clearer.

“Are you seriously bringing Willie into this right now?”

“No, I'm just saying that maybe if you came to rehearsals instead of-”

Alex laughed, “ _Wow_. You just can’t stand not having someone’s attention, can you? You can’t stand the thought that we’re not all music all the time. You know, we have other things outside of this band, right?”

“One of us needs to think about this band!”

The drummer ran a hand through his hair, “You think I don’t?”

“Well, you’re not here!”

“We’re not dating anymore, Luke. You’re not privy to every little thing I do!”

“ _Enough!_ ”

Both boys’ heads snapped in her direction and she didn’t have the moment to enjoy their matching flustered, embarrassed expressions. Alex’s eyes were wide, sputtering her name in surprise, and Luke had enough sense not to try and come closer.

“What the _hell_ is going on here?” She pointed to each of them in turn, cutting off Luke when he opened his mouth. “I don’t care who started what and who said what to who, alright? I don’t care if Alex missed a rehearsal or that Luke decided now would be a good time to play the jealous-ex card. I just care that I found Reggie curled up on the couch and near tears because you two can’t stop screaming at each other long enough to see that you’re hurting him!”

Both looked down at that.

Julie pinched the bridge of her nose, “Let’s just...cancel rehearsal for today, okay?”

They nodded, both boys looking like kicked puppies as they poofed out.

Julie sank into the couch with a groan only to shoot upright when Dad cleared his throat, forgetting that, for how much noise the boys had made with their screaming match, all he (or anyone else) could hear was her yelling at the top of her lungs in an empty and silent studio.

_Crap._

“I heard yelling.” he motioned to her pocket, where her phone was sticking out, “Is everything okay?”

“The guys were fighting.” She stated simply, “I just...wanted them to stop.”

“Everyone stopped yelling, does that mean...” Reggie poofed back, “Ray?”

“Anything I can do to help?”

She glanced at Reggie, finally realizing why the bassist drew so much comfort from hanging around her family (her dad in particular). Dad had always been supportive of her and Carlos, Mom too. They had loved each other so much and Julie could never remember them ever raising their voices at her and Carlos let alone each other. She couldn’t even imagine it.

“You can tell him.”

Julie opened her mouth, closed it. “Really?”

“I’ll always help you, mija. You know that.”

Reggie smiled, “It’s okay, Julie.”

She glanced down at her lap, playing with the bracelets, “I…” Julie swallowed, “Luke and Alex were arguing over…music, I guess, and Reggie, he…” she sighed, trying to word the whole thing as carefully as she could, mindful of the tenses she used, “he doesn’t really have the best home life and the fighting didn’t bring back great memories.”

“Reggie called you first?”

She nodded, “He said it happened all the time but…I had to do something.”

“Well, I’m glad Reggie felt safe enough to talk to you about it and that you gave those boys a piece of your mind. They’re lucky to have you to keep them in line.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, “You did good.”

“Really?”

“And if any of the boys need to talk to someone else, let them know I’m only one phone call away.” He smiled, pushing himself off the couch and completely unaware he was of how Reggie’s entire face brightened, “I know I’m just an old dad but…”

“No, they’ll be so happy to hear that. I know it. Reggie, especially.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Ray smiled, “Love you, mija.”

Julie hugged him, “Love you too, Papi.”

Reggie sat down on the couch when Dad shut the door behind him, cheeks flushed and streaked with tears. He stared at the door for a long while, fingers running along the chain of his necklace, voice cracking as he spoke, “Thank you, Julie, for...talking with him.”

“Of course,” Julie smiled, holding out her arms, “Come here.”

Instead of a hug, Reggie laid his head in her lap, and Julie didn’t hesitate in running her fingers through his hair in a gesture remanent of her own mother doing the same whenever she’d been upset, his own skin giving off the faint glow as his shoulders shook.

Her own vision blurred as his tears soaked through her jeans, but she didn’t stop her own from falling as she continued carding fingers through the black strands. She began to hum, one of the melodies she’d told him about earlier and smiled when he joined in.

Alex popped in, keeping his distance as he cleared his throat.

Reggie lifted his head, “Alex?”

Alex smiled nervously, “Hey.”

Julie looked over at Reggie, “Do you want me to stay?”

He shook his head, “I’ll be okay, Julie. Thanks, though.”

Julie smiled, squeezing his hand, “Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me.”

Reggie moved over, leaving space for Alex to sit down.

She left the studio, nearly running into Luke.

He immediately backed up, as if expecting her to bite his head off. “I’m just gonna-”

“Go.” She motioned to the studio, “Alex is in there with Reggie.”

Luke bit his lip, “Julie...”

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to, Luke.” She softened her voice when she saw just how guilt-ridden his expression was. Julie had never been one to kick another person when they were down, “Look, I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, alright? Just go talk to the others. I’ll be in my room when you’re done.”

“But...”

“Just knock first, alright?”

He nodded, an almost-smile playing on his lips, “Okay, boss.”

She smiled back, walking back up to her room, gravitating towards the desk where she’d left the sheet music. Her eyes were drawn to the dark, blocky writing and her smile widened when she read the words.

_These melodies rock! Thanks, Julie!_

She stacked up the papers into a pile, catching the gleaming red of Reggie’s bass propped against the wall. Surprised that he’d left it here instead of taking it with her, she turned and curled her fingers around the neck of the guitar, walking over to the edge of her bed and sitting down.

She arranged the bass in her lap, running fingers over the strings, not daring to make any adjustments to them as she plucked out a basic scale. Julie had never really seen herself playing any instrument other than the piano, but she would always hold an appreciation for the instruments that the boys had chosen to play.

“And here I thought you’d want _me_ to teach you.”

Luke’s voice came from the door and she started.

“And _I_ thought I told you to knock.”

“I did.” He smiled, dimples flashing, “You didn’t respond.”

She leaned the bass back against the wall, “So you thought to pop in anyways?”

He flopped down onto her bed, Alex and Reggie appearing soon after.

Julie nearly threw her hands up in exasperation and wondered if this was what having an older brother felt like. She sighed in fond resignation, “I’m guessing it’s safe to say you’ve all kissed and made up?”

A beat of silence passed and Julie had the pleasure of watching each of their faces convey a million emotions at once before eventually settling; Alex looked absolutely horrified, Reggie’s eyes flitted to Luke once, and Luke’s smile towards her took on a playful edge.

Julie laughed, “ _God_ , your faces!”

Alex and Reggie looked at each other.

“I didn’t mean it literally, geez.”

Luke rolled onto his back and propped himself up onto his elbows, grinning devilishly at his bandmates’ scandalized (and embarrassed) expressions, “You wound me, boys. Truly. I would kiss you _both_ if you asked!”

Alex scoffed, “You’d kiss _anyone_ if they asked.”

He winked at them, “Only if they were cute.”

Alex rolled his eyes and Reggie turned as red as his bass, clearing his throat.

There was a small part of her that sympathized with the latter, relieved to find she wasn’t the only one of the group that got flustered by Luke’s teasing. Julie smiled, “What I _meant_ to say was I’m glad to see you all getting along now.

Alex recovered first, “It’s all thanks to you, boss.”

“Yeah!” Reggie sputtered, finally tearing his eyes away from Luke, “Totally.”

Julie took a pillow off the floor and threw it, grinning as it hit him in that stupid, smug smile of his. She shouldn’t have been surprised by his immediate retaliation but still, she let out a shriek of laughter as he threw it back at her, Reggie and Alex quick to join in, all four somehow ending piled onto the bed.

Then someone got the bright idea to start tickling her and she instinctively whipped her elbow back and made contact with something hard and she turned around to find Luke holding his nose. “Oh my God, Luke, I’m so sorry-”

Reggie nearly fell to the ground laughing and Alex instantly came to check on Luke.

Julie immediately scrambled off the bed.

Alex turned his head from side to side, “Let me see it-”

Luke winced as the drummer prodded at his face, “Alex, please stop-”

“I don’t see any blood, but maybe we should get an ice pack-”

Luke slapped his hands away, “I’m fine!”

“Dude, Julie just drilled you in the face, just let me-”

“You are aware we’re dead right?”

Julie stepped back to stand with Reggie, smiling as Luke pouted and let Alex cluck over him like a mother hen, both of them bickering all the while. She leaned down to whisper in Reggie’s ear, “You know…I always wondered what kind of couple they were like before and I’m starting to see it just a little bit…”

“They were ridiculous…all puppy dog eyes and holding hands _all the time_.”

“Really?” Julie grinned as the drummer hovered over Luke, “ _Alex_ , I can see, but Luke…?”

“He was worse…always teasing Alex during rehearsal. Poor guy could barely focus on his drums half the time-” Reggie chuckled at the memory, “There was this time during a gig, where Luke was doing his guitar solo and-”

“We can hear you, Reginald.”

Julie snickered at the unimpressed (Luke) and embarrassed (Alex) looks being thrown their way from the other side of the room, the sound quickly turning into full-blown laughter when Reggie joined in and it didn’t take long for the other two to crack.

She snuck a glance at Reggie, glad to see that the sadness was gone.

It was good to know, that even with everything that had happened, they could still smile and laugh, still tease and bicker with each other. That no matter what happened, they would always stick together in death like they had in life.

“Julie!”

She looked to find their arms slung around each other’s shoulders, both Reggie and Luke holding out a hand for her to join them. All three were smiling at her with bright eyes, their skin glowing in earnest as soon as their fingers intertwined with hers and she laughed as she was pulled into a group hug, their touch warm and solid around her. “I’m still gonna want to hear the rest of the story though...”

“Oh, okay, so like I was saying-”

Julie giggled when Alex swiped at Reggie, the bassist ducking out of the hug and poofing away with Alex not far behind, leaving her with Luke with his arm still wrapped around her. In her bedroom. Alone.

She cleared her throat, detaching herself from Luke, cheeks burning as she put distance between them, not liking the edge that his smile had taken as he took a step toward her and Julie moved backward, “Luke...”

“You don’t want to hear the story from me?”

Considering how he was looking at her... “Nope, I'm good.”

“Really, because Alex-”

Julie was actually thankful when a crash came from the studio. She cleared her throat, waving a hand out her window, “You should, probably uh...go see what’s happening in the studio before that two...break something important.”

“Okay...whatever you say, boss.”

She let out a long breath when he popped out, regretting ever bringing it back up because Luke was _never_ going to let this go and their next rehearsal would no doubt end up being a demonstration resulting in her (and possibly Reggie) acting like complete idiots.

_Great_. That sounded just... _great_

**Author's Note:**

> My Other JATP Fics:
> 
> [Here In Front of Me (Shining So Much Brighter than I Have Ever Seen)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26803951)


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